Friday, October 26, 2012

In my Heart, Conflicted. In my Head, not so much!

We just got the final approval for our oldest son to begin college in January.

When did my little boy with the button eyes grow old enough to go to college, let alone in only 2 months??! He will be at Wyotech in PA, near Pittsburgh. He is pursuing his dream to fix engines, and make them bigger, stronger, faster. The automotive industry may never know what hit them! He is a visionary. An artist. A mechanically minded person with a heart the size of Zambia (which is the size of Texas!) and eyes that see things differently than the other six people in his family. Never in a bad way. Always in a new way, with a unique perspective. I love this kid.

He is starting school in January. And that means he is not leaving with us to Zambia. Not coming. Staying here. Without me. I will be going. He is staying. I do not like this aspect of him following his dreams. I want my children's lives to always be parallel with mine. I don't want to say good bye. I want their success to be intricately connected with where mine is.
This is the second time I have had to go around
this loop. My oldest is not coming either. Staying here. Without me. I will be going. She will be staying.

Surely all will agree these two little babies aren't able to be here without me!! I know... the rantings of an emotional mother! But God has performed miracles in my heart, and while what I want is not what I will get, I desire nothing else but what He is allowing to be.
It makes no logical sense, I completely agree. I am homesick for a place where I have lived for only 3 weeks. I am settled with leaving my children and traveling 8000 miles for an undetermined amount of time to serve a God whom I have never seen, but whom I know with a clarity the likes of which I cannot describe. And I pray that this relative little bit of knowing - compared to what He is calling me to regarding the knowledge of himself - will carry me. That I will continue to learn of His majesty and greatness.

For surely all of this would not be worth it if God isn't all He is. My heart cries out for what it wants, and my head consoles it with what it knows.

I know that in my flesh, there dwelleth no good thing. (Rom 7:18) 

I know that in this life I will suffer (2Ti 3:12), but that it is but a light affliction (2 Cor 4:17) compared to the knowledge of Christ. (Phil 3:10)

I know that I can't keep what I gain here anyhow (Phil 1:21, Matt 6:33) and only what is laid up will be forever (Matt 6:20, Luke 12:21). 

So in knowing these things, I press on. I Take every minute I can with what I love, but not for one minute do I love them more than I love Christ. Looking at that previous sentence, there are a whole lot of "I"'s, but that is who I am preaching to here.

And I take with me a million laughs, memories, hopes, and prayers. I add to each of them a million more! 

I find more things to pray about, and people to pray for! 

I Find that while my time with my children can be numbered in days and hours, eternity is endless! 

I am learning that while my heart may want some things, when I let the desires of my heart be filled by God and filled in with His purposes, there is contentment, peace, PURPOSE! And those things cannot be bought. 

They can, however, be measured, and God is doing just that. He is measuring my days, he is gauging my heart whether it is perfect toward him. He is preparing a place for my eternity, and these things I know! 

He is fulfilling my days and stilling my heart, and calming my fears. He is directing my steps and lighting my path. He is hearing my prayers and delighting in meeting my many needs for comfort and joy in the way. 
I serve a great God who is making everything beautiful in HIS time, and He delights in showing himself mighty on my behalf. He is all powerful and is doing all things for my good.

Always.  ALL things!

From me, He is looking for a heart of belief that is willing to follow. Willing to be obedient. Willing to be stretched, pushed, and tried, knowing that he will never ask anything of me that in the end, will ever harm me. He is GOD!!

Call it simple minded. I like Simple!

Call it blind faith. I am truly Blind!

Call it using a crutch. God says he will be my Buckler! He is above me, below me, and by my right side and my left.

Psalm 27
1 The Lord is my light and my salvation; whom shall I fear? the Lord is the strength of my life; of whom shall I be afraid?
When the wicked, even mine enemies and my foes, came upon me to eat up my flesh, they stumbled and fell.
Though an host should encamp against me, my heart shall not fear: though war should rise against me, in this will I be confident.
One thing have I desired of the Lord, that will I seek after; that I may dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life, to behold the beauty of the Lord, and to enquire in his temple.
For in the time of trouble he shall hide me in his pavilion: in the secret of his tabernacle shall he hide me; he shall set me up upon a rock.
And now shall mine head be lifted up above mine enemies round about me: therefore will I offer in his tabernacle sacrifices of joy; I will sing, yea, I will sing praises unto the Lord.
Hear, O Lord, when I cry with my voice: have mercy also upon me, and answer me.
When thou saidst, Seek ye my face; my heart said unto thee, Thy face, Lord, will I seek.
Hide not thy face far from me; put not thy servant away in anger: thou hast been my help; leave me not, neither forsake me, O God of my salvation.
10 When my father and my mother forsake me, then the Lord will take me up.
11 Teach me thy way, O Lord, and lead me in a plain path, because of mine enemies.
12 Deliver me not over unto the will of mine enemies: for false witnesses are risen up against me, and such as breathe out cruelty.
13 I had fainted, unless I had believed to see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living.
14 Wait on the Lord: be of good courage, and he shall strengthen thine heart: wait, I say, on the Lord.

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1 comment:

L!veLoveR!de said...

You are an amazing mother and an amazing woman!! <3