Tuesday, March 30, 2010

Craigslist... you gotta love it!

I was perusing craigslist the other day, and the following listing made me laugh so hard, I emailed the seller to tell her thank you for the best laugh of the day. I have copy and pasted it unedited for your reading pleasure. 

"I'm selling our living room couch, loveseat and a coordinating wingback chair because I am exercising my God given right to CHANGE MY MIND. These items are approximately eleven years old and I think changing my mind and wanting to change up a room or two or ten every other year for eleven years is pretty conservative, no matter what my husband says in therapy. So, it's time for new paint, new furniture, new rugs and a whole mess of built-ins in the living room and none of that can be done until (1) I trick my husband into thinking this was his idea; and (2) I get rid of this furniture. If you can't help me with the first requirement, how about helping me with the second? This furniture, much like those last ten pounds that appear to be permanently cemented to my thighs, needs to go! Like, yesterday.

The couch is a dark grayish sea green color and measures approximately 90" long, 35" high and 38 inches deep and comfortably fits a 6'2" man lying prostrate through three entire football games, back to back. Don't ask me how I know.

The loveseat is the same dark grayish sea green color and measures approximately 70" long, 35" high and 38 inches deep and comfortably fits a 4'2" nine year old who collapses upon it out of starvation and/or dehydration, all because her mother sucks the fun out of life by not allowing her to have a third popsicle before dinner. Don't ask me how I know.

The wingback chair was custom covered in a floral tapestry print and measures 32.5 inches wide and 44" high and 32 inches deep when it's not reclined. When it's reclined, I have no idea what its measurements are because it's near impossible to maneuver a tape measure in that position without assuming some sort of yoga position and I'm allergic to all things exercise. The chair will comfortably hold the contents of five large baskets worth of freshly laundered jeans, shirts, socks, underwear and towels. Don't ask me how I know.

In addition, there are four throw pillows custom made out of the same floral tapestry print as the wingback chair because eleven years ago, I went insane and spent almost as much for these pillows as I did the darn chair because I was all about coordination. LIFE WASN'T WORTH LIVING WITHOUT COORDINATING ACCENTS. Eleven years and one teenager later and I'm not so much about coordinating anything anymore as I am about remaining vertical, remembering my name and tying my shoes.

The loveseat is in pretty good condition - things are firm and located where they're supposed to be located. Kind of like I used to be.

The couch is in fair condition - things have shifted, the bottom has sagged and the back gives out occasionally. Kind of like the way I am now.

The wingback chair is in excellent condition, having aged well. It's obviously a male.

This is a smoke-free home. I'd say it's a pet-free home too but we just got a shih-poo puppy three weeks ago. However, he's not even three pounds yet, so technically, I'm not sure if he can be classified as an actual dog. Contrary to what some may believe, I did not shrink him in the dryer.

Cash only, please. Oh, and local buyers only, please as obviously, I'm not about to ship these pieces anywhere. Please. I can't even get myself to go the post office for a stamp. "

You're Welcome. 


Ploner said...

That is stinkin awesome.

Jeannine said...

best Craigslist ad ever...she should be published for real!

jen said...

I just want to know if she has a blog!! hilarious!