Ok, to be honest not the whole house. Only me.
I was hit with something very hard and still can't quite put my finger on what it was, but the effect of it was quite obvious.
I know the reasons behind the emotions and the tears but I also knew the right response I was supposed to have. Proverbs 3:5-6, Psalms 119:165. Trust. Have Faith. I know. I KNOW!!
My knowing wasn't cutting it. There was a gut wrenching emotion that clouded my head and truly rendered me a bit useless for a few days.
There are some things I have justified in my mind that would incapacitate one for a season.
Death, illness, divorce, infidelity.
None of these have happened to me, so what was my problem??!
First term missions. Unrealized dreams. Letting go of Normal. Realizing time continues. Falling short on personal goals. Every emotion in List A has an appropriate reason on List B to which I can draw the line and connect them.
My prayer was for Peace. God's Peace. I had notions of what I NEEDED in order for that Peace to become a reality. Every notion was met with a physical impossibility for that to happen. Truly God's peace was an impossibility in my mind. He would have to move mountains. Actually bodies of water and connect continents.
I was hit with a sense of powerlessness and inability to control anything. Even involuntary actions seemed difficult.
First term missions. Unrealized dreams. Letting go of Normal. Realizing time continues. Falling short on personal goals. Every emotion in List A has an appropriate reason on List B to which I can draw the line and connect them.
My prayer was for Peace. God's Peace. I had notions of what I NEEDED in order for that Peace to become a reality. Every notion was met with a physical impossibility for that to happen. Truly God's peace was an impossibility in my mind. He would have to move mountains. Actually bodies of water and connect continents.
I was hit with a sense of powerlessness and inability to control anything. Even involuntary actions seemed difficult.
Like Breathing.
Like a brand new baby, I felt powerless and vulnerable. All the while knowing Rock Solid Truths that should have pulled me up by my bootstraps and buoyed me on the wings of Knowledge and Faith.
Call it Emotions. Hormones. Peri menopause. Call it whatever you want, but scripture tells me I can at ALL TIMES trust Him. That God will NEver Leave me nor forsake me.
And in my mind that meant I should NeVeR feel down.
Like a brand new baby, I felt powerless and vulnerable. All the while knowing Rock Solid Truths that should have pulled me up by my bootstraps and buoyed me on the wings of Knowledge and Faith.
Call it Emotions. Hormones. Peri menopause. Call it whatever you want, but scripture tells me I can at ALL TIMES trust Him. That God will NEver Leave me nor forsake me.
And in my mind that meant I should NeVeR feel down.
Ever.
I should take every hit and rock of the dinghy my frail life floats on in stride and ride the waves of eternal peace and faith in the ONE that has me in the palm of his hand.
But that was my spin on God's truth. Sorrow, Anguish, Pain, Gut-Wrenching. None of those were forever excluded from the list of human experiences once my faith was placed in the One that destroyed Death.
When one is fighting a river, the best way to reach shore is to stop fighting the current. To let it take you, but to position your body in such a way that the current will bring you to the safety of shore.
When one is drowning in a rip current, the way to free yourself is to remain calm to conserve energy. To Tread The Water. And the worst thing that could happen is another weaker or equally matched swimmer try and help. Often that results in two fatalities.
I felt like I was drowning for a while there. In real emotions. In real struggles. In real life things that I had and have no control over.
That I find myself in situations, of my own choosing, that have caused repercussions that effect our entire family seems good reason to blame myself for many things.
Our children are facing struggles and obstacles directly because of the choices we parents have made. They have things different than I imagined, which in my mind makes me believe their life is more difficult for them.
I imagine a non-existent alter-reality of what Life would be if I made different choices, more humanly logical choices, that would mean we all live in a land of Sunshine and Rainbows and Eternal Bliss.
Until I snap out of it and listen to the Voice of Truth. WHY were these decisions made?
Life is Messy. Life is Hard. Life, apart from God, is impossible!
But God.
Why would I sacrifice the Open Hand of Blessing from God in exchange for human logic? Do I truly think a life I can imagine is better than the one an Eternal, All Knowing, Wise and Loving Father God has planned for me and FOR MY CHILDREN?! Have I forgotten that it is God that has asked us to walk this road? That in His plan, he KNEW what this would mean for my children, and that HE HAS A PLAN For them as well??
Truly, I know the right ANSWERS for the emotions and struggles I face. The answer isn't what will get me through. It is GOD.
One can memorize answers to pass a test and still have no understanding of the matters of the exam.
I have learned a bit more of God whom I serve. He is gentle and loving. And he isn't worried about my human questions. He Glories in them because HE KNOWS that I am seeking HIM and HE KNOWS He will never fail me! In knowing God I can bare fruit of His Good Pleasure.
He also made me in this human form. He created the spirit that is who I am, and he made my emotions to bear physical signs of anguish and he collects them in a bottle. He KNOWS me. In His ever loving and gently ways, he gives me intimate knowledge of HIM and lets the storms rage on. He loves my vulnerability, for in that He knows I must rely on Him. That gives me peace. And certainly NOT in the way the World gives it!
In the same way these struggles and hard things draw me to Jesus, hardships and struggles will draw my children. And that gives me peace. God's Peace.
I have choices. I know they have choices.
I have fallen. I know they will fall.
But I choose God. And while I cannot choose for them, I can pray.
And maybe that is the real reason for it all in the first place.
But that was my spin on God's truth. Sorrow, Anguish, Pain, Gut-Wrenching. None of those were forever excluded from the list of human experiences once my faith was placed in the One that destroyed Death.
When one is fighting a river, the best way to reach shore is to stop fighting the current. To let it take you, but to position your body in such a way that the current will bring you to the safety of shore.
When one is drowning in a rip current, the way to free yourself is to remain calm to conserve energy. To Tread The Water. And the worst thing that could happen is another weaker or equally matched swimmer try and help. Often that results in two fatalities.
I felt like I was drowning for a while there. In real emotions. In real struggles. In real life things that I had and have no control over.
That I find myself in situations, of my own choosing, that have caused repercussions that effect our entire family seems good reason to blame myself for many things.
Our children are facing struggles and obstacles directly because of the choices we parents have made. They have things different than I imagined, which in my mind makes me believe their life is more difficult for them.
I imagine a non-existent alter-reality of what Life would be if I made different choices, more humanly logical choices, that would mean we all live in a land of Sunshine and Rainbows and Eternal Bliss.
Until I snap out of it and listen to the Voice of Truth. WHY were these decisions made?
Life is Messy. Life is Hard. Life, apart from God, is impossible!
But God.
Why would I sacrifice the Open Hand of Blessing from God in exchange for human logic? Do I truly think a life I can imagine is better than the one an Eternal, All Knowing, Wise and Loving Father God has planned for me and FOR MY CHILDREN?! Have I forgotten that it is God that has asked us to walk this road? That in His plan, he KNEW what this would mean for my children, and that HE HAS A PLAN For them as well??
Truly, I know the right ANSWERS for the emotions and struggles I face. The answer isn't what will get me through. It is GOD.
One can memorize answers to pass a test and still have no understanding of the matters of the exam.
I have learned a bit more of God whom I serve. He is gentle and loving. And he isn't worried about my human questions. He Glories in them because HE KNOWS that I am seeking HIM and HE KNOWS He will never fail me! In knowing God I can bare fruit of His Good Pleasure.
He also made me in this human form. He created the spirit that is who I am, and he made my emotions to bear physical signs of anguish and he collects them in a bottle. He KNOWS me. In His ever loving and gently ways, he gives me intimate knowledge of HIM and lets the storms rage on. He loves my vulnerability, for in that He knows I must rely on Him. That gives me peace. And certainly NOT in the way the World gives it!
In the same way these struggles and hard things draw me to Jesus, hardships and struggles will draw my children. And that gives me peace. God's Peace.
I have choices. I know they have choices.
I have fallen. I know they will fall.
But I choose God. And while I cannot choose for them, I can pray.
And maybe that is the real reason for it all in the first place.
2 comments:
I love your sweet transparency! I am praying got you right now! This was a great line...One can memorize answers to pass a test and still have no understanding of the matters . Mark 9:24. " I believe, help my unbelief ". He will reward you with immeasurably more my friend!
Thank you Janice! We often imagine that a missionary life is glamorous (you know the Hollywood thing). You have shown us the reality of that decision on you and your family. Philippians 4:11 Not that I speak in respect of want: for I have learned, in whatsoever state I am, therewith to be content. God bless you and your family.
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